KEEPING THE X IN XMAS Family-Free Xmas Dinner (No Need For Pants) Let's have a xmas eve dinner With just a couple friends With no family around There's no need for pants The girl of your dreams And a bachelor-food turkey We never wanna sleep 'Cause tomorrow there's no worky This is what we're gonna do next xmas We can sit back and relax And watch It's a Wonderful Life Everything will be alright next xmas It's all falling into place You'll be strolling off the edge of that knife I know at mom and dad's There's a better meal But you can go there tomorrow Just like every year Tonight you don't have to Put on a face We can all be ourselves And we won't say grace Shinny, Shinny, Shinny It's almost time for Xmas, Hanukkah and the Pagan Winter Festival The days have gotten really short and the nights are really cold But stop your crying 'cause it's good news in disguise Soon the rinks will open up oh yeah soon there will be ice! Let's go and play some shinny Don't you love this time of year? Shinny, shinny, shinny Call up some friends 'cause game time's almost here Let's play shinny 'Cause we love this time of year! Shinny, shinny, shinny Yeah, game time's almost here Sticks in the middle, get the little kids all playing in the game Some of them are way too fast and they put us all to shame But it just means we can be lazy, stupid jerks Just coast around and let them do all of the work Afterwards we'll go have dinner with the girls But then there's nothing else to do They wanna lace them up with us, so back out to the rink The ice is waiting for game 2! Rudolph Whupped My Ass Once upon a time The night of xmas eve I don't know what I was doing, I should've been asleep I heard something on the roof Woke me up at half past 3 Stupid me I had to go up and see I wasn't quite prepared for what I'd find that night 9 fuckin' reindeer and no Santa Claus in sight I swear it wasn't greed Just my own curious way I had to check out the goods in the back of that sleigh I really should've know better At the time I wasn't thinking straight By the time Santa came to my rescue it was much too late But then Rudolph Rudolph whupped my ass His red nose blur and hooves were way too fast Rudolph Rudolph went to work And he kicked me in the nuts just to be a jerk Rudolph Rudolph cracked my head I wished I'd never come up or left my bed Rudolph Rudolph wrecked my knee He stole my wallet to add insult to injury Rudolph Rudolph broke my neck He got me in a headlock; it hurt like heck Rudolph Rudolph beat me to the ground And that slut Vixen kicked me while I was down Santa Versus Jack Chick We said it might be a tumour I guess we shouldn't have joked like that 'Cause now your end is near The comic book that lady gave you I know it scared you real good But you still have one last christmas here So even though Jack Chick says There's no fuckin' way you're going to heaven when you die No fuckin' way Even though Jack Chick says That god or jesus or maybe some other guy Won't let you in Don't you worry 'Cause we were sorting through your spam Found a message from Santa And he told us all his plans Santa says He's gonna make you your own heaven for when you die What a guy Santa says You don't gotta take any savior like Jack thinks And Jack's a dink So don't you worry 'Cause we were sorting through your spam The best present from Santa Since he got you Green Eggs & Ham Santa says Your heaven's gonna be for all the good boys and girls And cats, dogs, rats, frogs, horses, even squirrels Santa says He's gonna make Chick Maggot finish this stupid song It's way too long Here's Your Stupid Present This year I bought you stupid crap for xmas So I had to write a song that rocks Here it is I sure hope you like it lots Gotta write a better song than last year's Does this one rock? Merry xmas, here's your stupid present And have a happy New Year This one, it's got a little hook, I like it I sure hope that you feel the same I stole the notes from A White Christmas Auld Lang Syne SHOULD auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? sHOULD auld acquaintance be forgot, And auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne, We'll tak' a cup o' kindness yet, For auld lang syne. And ther's a hand, my trusty fiere, And gie's a hand o' thine; We'll tak' a right gud-wellie waught For auld lang syne.